Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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