I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
sex in a hospital.. check
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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