I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
