My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
