Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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