Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
