There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Randomize
