I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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