I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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