Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
