HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
