Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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