I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
