So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
