I just pynch a tree in the face
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
