And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
How does one acquire holy water?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
