You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
