so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
