I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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