This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
