guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
