I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
