Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
