if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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