I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
