the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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