weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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