my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
