do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
