I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
