My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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