Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
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