You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
