he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
