I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
