somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
