you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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