I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
