my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
