Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
