She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
