your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
