my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
