just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
be right there i have to get my cape
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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