oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
