I wannas sexs uuuuu
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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