Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
