Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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