I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
