Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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