I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
