Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
